Skip to main content

There is a light that just went out

All in all I had a wonderful week. Something to treasure in my heart but not something I can say I did it flawlessly. I felt pathetic as a matter of fact. My performance was, for a lack of a WORSE word, lacklustre. I never felt so disappointed in my life. It was then that I realized how much that moment valued for me. I cannot let this go. I must have it. There is just no other way, I said. Lunch break came and I was so down, emotionally broken. I need to do something. I have to find a way to counter the said counter Thomas was talking about. Lunch break finished, I'm still at the tip of my temper. Should I give up? I shouldn't even have considered that miserable question. It would have been over the moment I entertained that. Lady luck was fucking with me without actually touching me, and never have I felt so insulted in my life. Another five stinking minutes of break and still no signs of success, I felt Thomas was picking on me now. God damn it Cil, you just have to DO it, a two-letter word has never been so difficult in my entire life. Fuck this! I said. The mask arrives. It had a comedic countenance written on with abstract images flowing through my mind. Exaggeration, yea, one person whispered. That's it. I got it all figured out, or so I thought. I volunteered first. First go was tragic. No, no, no, no, Thomas exclaimed. Again! What the hell. This is not the way it's supposed to be. I'm being embarrassed. This was not what I signed up to do. This was not how it occurred last January. Where did I go wrong? I was vehement. I needed to persevere. This will not be my swan song, not while I'm still able to do something about it. I wanted Thomas to keep pushing me, drilling me down to the ground, until life passed me by and grumbled. Another round, I whispered only to myself. Give me another round. Thomas glances to his side and orders another person to come to the front. I was devastated. That was heartbreaking. That moment of stillness clung into my outer memory like solid nightmares crawling up my clavicle, giving me shivering chills and goosebumps for no apparent reason but to annoy. I sat back down without resistance. I kept thumping my feet aching to go back. No, fuck this. Fuck it all. I had to bear watching eight more people doing all the things I wasn't able to. It never felt so bad until that. My critique self was lambasting my thoughts to alleviate my anxiety. I was watching them all and listening to Thomas at the same time, watched him wiggle his head to the movements of the eight people not wiggling his head in mine. I'm still up for this, I remembered telling myself. Never, never bow down. I'm still the best. I paid little attention to everyone. Nothing will stand against me and my predetermined infamy. There should be a breaking point in everything. I will be that breaking point. I will break every fucking point there is. Every fucking point. Every.

And then I did. And I felt pathetic. Like a baby. How is babby formed? How do women get pragnent? One person asked. I had no idea. What am I saying? I have no idea. It was this feeling. This similar feeling. The I had no idea feeling that made it all okay. I was free. The guys praised me and I stood there wondering cluelessly. Loathing, dreadfully furious and disappointed. I won.

Popular posts from this blog

And then...

Four hours and ticking and I cannot seem to be copacetic to the privacy of her suspicious absence. How could I be when frightening tremors had shook their country just earlier today? It has been quite common to read about earthquakes rocking Italy recently, and the more these events take place, the more people feel less surprised about the fatalities. At the moment, I can sit on this chair being bothered by Starbucks personnel every half an hour or so, waiting for updates of Miriam's whereabouts. Surely she would be safe. I suppose my fears always come back to bite me in my arse. This is a farcry from mine fears. Far be it from the truth, I will not let it tear me asunder. She will be back to me soon enough, and then it would not take long before she will be in my arms, singing praises of our love, beneath the starry sky and our duvet. There is this unusual feeling of dread knowing that tomorrow I will be once again immersed into a job that I do not love; a return to form; of bei…

Strange Fruit

I had recently adorned a vow of silence for myself with Miriam for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to suit my whim, and, regardless of the pettiness associated with this misdemeanour, I pray this will only strengthen us both in spirit for the coming days. The coming days are definitely not meant for one such as me.
In the next few hours, not shortly before I am done with this piece, this vow will be disavowed. Miriam is sleeping soundly in my right, broken by the exhaustion that seemed to catch her unaware. This was not what she had prepared for when coming to London. This was not what I meant for her when I asked her to come. In order to alleviate the guilt of me making it more difficult for us both, I do what it is that I do best, and that is to love her hungrily and wildly. And some little bit of swag on the side to cure her state of frustration albeit temporarily.
My days are long and yet wields very little. For now I do and take whatever I can, whenever I can. A grand f…


Call it a burning desire to urinate on the system that we as people have established; status quo. Felt a huge fluctuation of anxiety when I finished this day earlier than what I would have thought or expected, and it was technically my first day of job (again), and huge surges of this same rhetoric came pouring back in when Miriam and I have not been having proper back-and-forths since yesterday. It was as if we had lost interest with one another just like that. Either that or I have been consumed by the same system of dependency. The bug that I caught long ago that ruined me to smithereens.
The long-winding hours, that which I felt was necessary, was to be a time of reprieve and a time to catch breath. It turned out to be much more toxic that it should be, and it came to pass faster than it should and I now feel poisoned and abused by the thought of having allowed this in the first place. Tomorrow is what I would consider a real test of my endurance, when I work from seven in the mo…