Antilove

Thankfully, at this very moment, I am afebrile and back to my own normal standing, although there still is a slight discomfort in the upper palate along my mandibles most likely due to the swelling. I attempted to rupture it because it was getting on my nerves last night giving me a hard time sleeping but to no avail. I could not pierce the swelling myself. I am that much of a puss, I admit.

Now, on to something important I need to bring up from out of nowhere: Marriage. These past few months I've been with no one but myself except for a few minor exceptions when I had to visit my family in their own home. Yesterday I woke up to the news that I am going to be a married man soon. Surprising? Not really.

This is one of those soap opera moments where it's hard for me to tell reality from fiction. How could a solitary person like me be getting married? My last lay was two years ago even. I've barely even touched a woman since then. Well, it has something to do with desperation and poverty. None of which I chose for myself.

I would not have expected someone like my father to condone of such immorality much to my understanding of his principled nature but I guess life takes its toll when you least expect it, when you're grasping at the edge of a fall trying to save your loved ones in return for your own life. Your identity, your nature, your persona, all negated, banished into obscurity due to desperation, and in that moment you question even your own self, wondering how I could atone for my misgivings. This is one of those sad instances where you partake in fate's perverted twists, as it makes fun of your frailty, stepping at your so-called life, as it squishes it remorselessly with its hard-clenched fists. It is not that I didn't expect this at all, it's just that it's so absurd that it hurts knowing it's really going to happen. Love is not a factor, only 'practicality' is the answer. That is what they all say. That is what I would've said, were I in someone else's shoes talking to myself at this very moment.

I awakened, groggy and hurt, to answer the phone. I've been aware of the calls even in my sleep. I knew it was going to be either from my mother or father, but I did not expect it would be this soon. I checked on it to find three missed calls from my mother. I called back to know -- something important must be at stake, I first thought. Then she answered, slowly lulled me into her voice, as if begging, being nice -- which isn't really her nature, funnily enough. Carefully she explained it to me, how finances have plagued their stay in this country, how she could no longer manage the future, how everything is slowly drifting apart. I listened to her without uttering a single word. It's all pointless if I would, her mind was flailing around, and I wouldn't want to add more to her fragile physiology. They have all convinced themselves of a desperate move, as if to sell me to a trade hoping to give me a better future -- only who can truly tell?

Her demands was that we talk more about it as a group face-to-face, but I hesitated and said probably not soon. Obviously, I was disappointed, but it was the fever talking and I told her about my condition, how something so lame started from a tooth issue. She dropped the phone and I went back to sleep, hoping this time that my condition wouldn't interrupt it. But it did. Not only once, but numerous times. I was in and out of the bathroom trying to alleviate it without knowing what to do. I spat, I gargled, I drank. Went back to rest every opportunity I could, with the book, The Chronicles of Amber, beside me to help me sleep and give me better inputs for an excellent idea. Thankfully it helped managed to give me intermittent sleep, and whenever I would wake up halfway, I'd just continue reading before I pass out once again.

I dreamt of a wedding with the concept of true love. Women I loved from the past strolling in my thoughts, and I was in the middle of it and aware. I did not seem to mind at all knowing fully well it is all just a dream. I wouldn't allow it to carry me away. That would only wake me up with more misery. So I just basked in the happy thought knowing there are no repercussions. It made me calm and without realising it, I slept for an uninterrupted seven hours. I could no longer recall the things in that dream but I knew I dreamt it. The swollen gum in my mouth gladly shrunk, and my fever dissipating along with the awful demand for bed-rolling. The sun was up and shining brightly than I've ever expected for somewhere in London. For something so extravagant, I suddenly knew my answer to that dilemma. It saddens me to think how awfully dramatic I would have been if I stayed longer but somehow I urge myself that this is the right move. I have long lost my religious vows, but personally my views of matrimony remain sacred. I would have to go against everything I know once more in order to prove a point.

The answer came to me naturally and I knew what to tell them all when the right moment comes. It's difficult for me to pull a smile due to the swelling but I'm able to manage just that right now.

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