Thursday, 15 August 2013

Day 7: Fail at coping

Fourth day spent wallowed in self-pity. I miss my Mioseon tremendously, I could break heads of people passing by who just happens to even look at me the wrong way. It's been a week since then and it already felt like months, years. It's funny how time flies so fast, my scalp itches from the lack of proper hygiene. My mood swung back and forth this past couple of days not even my parents could understand what's really going on. Nutshell: That's me. I wouldn't have done all the things that I've done if I knew this day would come. So many regrets, so little time, and coping up is really moving slow.

We've been talking a lot over Facebook since her arrival in Busan. I've been doing my own studies to pass my time, learning Hangul and whatnot. It's very difficult to sport a smile on my face, it's weird. I went to work three days and it somehow helped keep my mind off of things. But still, when the painful images of the last hours we spent together come rushing back, I wish to god I didn't have to experience that and end it quickly as it should have. It was cruel and unnecessary, but I guess it cannot be helped. Love is the most unsanitary human condition I've ever felt. It is a legal insanity, a force to be reckoned with, and a high better than any narcotics can give.

When she had her abortion last April on her own accord, it was equally devastating. The tremors of that falling out can still be felt. Yet my feeling for her prevailed, and forgiveness still presented itself, but then I cannot understand this.

There's plenty of fear, confusion, rage, scorn, etc. inside me, it's unhealthy. I need an outlet of desire. So I met a Polish woman at work named Weronika. She introduced me to a practice of Buddhism that she herself practices. She told me how it would help bring me bliss, to myself and to others. My due response was, "I could really use some of that." The funnier thing is that I was displacing all these pent-up emotions to sexual desires and she was the obvious target. I wanted vengeance for the misery, the pain, the sadness. Then I had a change of heart. Perhaps what she offers was something I needed more than the temporary desires of my lust. It wasn't really lust I had, it was malice. A very strong force building up inside of me and was about to burst out when last week's event transpired. Deep in the dark recesses of my mind I could still hear some voices telling me to do this and that, "You deserve a payback for everything." Why do I have to be like this? Is this the real persona of mine hiding beneath? Or am I just that sore of a loser to not being able to accept a simple fact of life? People have their priorities. Mioseon chose hers. I chose Mioseon, but she decided enough of this life for a bit.

But then I think about the future and what it holds. The day our paths cross once again. Would it be the same? Whatever the answer, will she still love me? Can I still forgive her despite everything? If she accepts me back, can she promise never to leave me again? Can I suffer another defeat?

Can I move on?

My life has never been experienced normalcy ever since. It always bends according to unplan. Nutshell: That's just me. I hope to live one day to see it all crash and burn. The day when my heart no longer burns every single time I breathe. I hope to linger in this place to find meaning to this all. I hope to live through the darkness and be reborn as light, and hope to die in the loving arms of the one person who truly loves me.

Search and destroy