It's been a weird week for me over here in Busan. Literally nothing happened. No memories made whatsoever. I spent it all thinking about heartbreaks and miseries hiding in a hole within a stall in Seomyeon. Penniless and free, there is nothing productive about me at all. I'm dreaming of winning it all, winning the world over, winning Mioseon back. Winning mostly the impossible, I guess.
Christmas is coming soon. How can an alien fool like me spend it in the warm company of this city? The dry cold has nothing to offer but regrets, mulling and weeping over past mistakes. 2013 has been the worst year so far in my life. Love makes everything so complicated and painful. Tomorrow comes a new weekend and nothing awaits me but envy. Why should I be envious of other people's joy? Why is everyone seemingly so gleeful despite the cruel hams of this glorious local society? I met people on Monday that may matter, but not in the long run. My trousers haven't changed since then. None of us or them truly matters.
I have to start walking again. My dire mission is getting terribly exhausting. I need to find joy in the company of the self. The me, me, me. This desire to share companionship with others crumples my every desire to move on. I'm just hoping that perhaps one day Mioseon's fear of me will subside and she will, by herself, learn to smile at me once again.
I'm a cruel man in a cruel world. There is no bad thing I've done here in this city that I truly regret. But most of what bad things this place has done me is unforgivable. It makes a good man turn bad. We haven't thought this through enough. I need to arm my emotions to the teeth, be strong, and believe that good things can still happen to those who suffer the most. I'm lucky to miss out on hunger even though I am starving at the moment. I have had kimbaps over and over again, cheaply made and terribly taken.
I'm so sorry for everything, Park Mioseon. Your fear of me is too painful to bear. I wish I could change your opinion of me just as easy. You seem much happier now, much more than I could have ever done for you. So beautiful and divine.
If no amount of sorries please your fear of me, know that I am always here with open arms for your friendship and voice. None would please me more that to simply just hear from you absent pain.