Autopathy: the wrong kind of depression

Shots of whispers, paper money on the background. My father walks away and never looks back. Like I care. We worship monkeys on a sidewalk. They cry in epiphany. Bounce... bounce... bounce... tell him that.

What's my world to do when all else fails? Your world might be different, but who's fighting who? So I take the stairs, spiralling peacefully out of control, when the physician gave me the deal. There is a benign tumour inside me waiting for the right moment to strike. Cancerous? Maybe. Will it be fatal? Fucking hope that would be the case, then I go Walter White on everyone's ass. You only live once, that's what I would have said. You only love once, too, but that's out of the question.

No one really understands how the rock loses to paper in rock-paper-scissors. No one understands how elephants lose to mice, either. No matter how doe-eyed Mickey will be, one simple misstep and he dies to a mammoth. A mammoth with a gift of gab like my mum, sneaky everlasting, walking canopies and sleeping in hedges like a lizard with good tides. That could have been me. 

So that's the thing: None of these things matter. It's time for me to pass. It's time for me to show the world how I am nothing more but conceptual. My brain fizzles, and at times it cracks, and most times it cries in agonising pain. I miss just one feeling. I miss it so much. I'll miss it until the point of my death and no one will know, and I'll still miss it the day after tomorrow. If I could walk the sun I would. Me and you, hand in hand, side by side, foolishly captivated by the false moment of relief. So I can be in peace. So I can be in love all over again. With tears, it shows, and with time, it grows. Nothing will ever hold me down. 

As one cliché goes: A dim light shines far at the end of a tunnel, an exit towards an unknown uncertainty, to which mine is beyond the backwards route. My light... it gets tinier the more I walk, already dimlit by the stars outside the tunnel. It is the end. My end.

How scarce can loneliness be in my life when I can't even do depression right?